Bharat S. M. Karavadra

Liars and Non-Believers?

Wednesday, August 13th, 2008

I came across a quote and I had what Oprah calls an epiphany or an “ahaa moment” where I had a bit of clarity in why people don’t believe what you tell or say to them, when you have been asked of something.

Firstly, here’s the quote and below you can read my thoughts about it.

The liar’s punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else.

from Quintessence Of Ibsenism (1891).

by George Bernard Shaw (Lived 26th July 1856 to 2nd November 1950).

This quote brings so much clarity to past experiences I have had. On many occasions I have found myself trying and trying to convince people that what I have been telling them is true and correct for a situation.

Now I don’t like to use the word lie, but I have to in order to give my interpretation of George Bernard Shaw’s quote. The positive perspective on a lie is that someone does not give you the whole truth.

To explain my interpretation I will give you an example; I once met a prospective client who wanted me to help develop their business by developing both their online presence and also their own understanding of how to manage and develop their business online. I had a couple of meetings to get a brief and also my own feelings for what they required. I then went back to my office to outline what we had talked about and any additional points which came to me through my feelings. Feelings are useful for writing a proposal as help you to include points which may not have been discussed at the meeting but what you got a feel for by just being there (for example knowledge, staffing, skills, experience, tools, status, time, etc). So at this point, I had a document containing what I believed the client required in outline form and this document could be amended as appropriate until a final outline of requirements was created and agreed upon.

After afew more meetings the final outline was agreed and I detailed each of the points to give a better idea of what would need to be done (by myself and by the client). This was emailed back to the client for their attention. It was at this point that matters started to get a little strange. The feedback I received was that I did not consider their needs and that we needed to meet again. This confused me a bit as we already had several meetings to identify the requirements, a basic outline of requirements was also emailed to me and I had produced a detailed list of requirements after the outline had been agreed.

At this point, I thought that I had must have missed something quite critical at previous meetings and hence not produced an appropriate proposal.

So, I again when to see the client, at which point I was told again that I had not done what they required which I believed was to create a detailed proposal of what needs to be done.

I considered everything again and realised that I had not missed anything in previous meetings and that the client was not listening to me. It was like I was communicating with an inanimate object (such as a brick wall). I can’t remember where this meeting ended but I later wracked my brain about the situation for many hours as I believed that I knew what the client wanted (from the meetings, communications and discussed proposal) and I knew what I could truthfully do for them (which I wrote in the proposal). I even discussed it with my wife who said to me that she thought that the client was trying to use me. Now, the thought of somebody trying to use you (without mutual benefit) could create anger, but I could not get angry as I had not agreed to do anything apart from write a proposal and so my mind was started questioning itself about how someone could use me in such a situation. I wracked my brain for a few more hours and then simply had to let go of the matter as could not find an answer and I knew that no more meetings, nor discussions, nor thinking would change what I had to say and offer.

Now, I am not saying that the client lied, but I believe that they did not tell me the whole truth and so they must have effectively told me a partial lie. So for this interpretation a lie is when someone does not tell you the whole truth.

You may now be thinking what this all has to do with liars and believers. Well, let’s look at why a liar lies? In the simplest terms it’s because the liar wants to hide the truth (from a tiny part of it to perhaps all of it) and the reason could be anything but let’s not dwell on the details of a lie.

Now, the truth is that a liar lies. If a liar lies then their spoken words or any other form of communication contain lies (for whatever reason). The liar knows this and if their own communications contain a lie then they can only believe that any communication from another person also contains a lie and they will not fully believe what the other person has to say because:

If a liar lies then they must be unhappy with the truth. If you are happy with the truth then you will tell the truth. So, if you are happy with the truth and tell it to a liar then they will not believe you, as they are unhappy with the truth. Then, if you carry on telling the truth, the liar will have to retreat, be honest or express negativity to you as you have carried on telling them the truth which they are unhappy with. Why do they have to retreat, be honest or express negativity? Because a person can only put up with so much unhappiness.

In the lair’s case, the unhappiness is not a real unhappiness (because someone should be happy that you are telling them the truth) and this is topic in itself that I would like to write about in future.

So, if you meet someone whom you find yourself telling the same truthful story or message and you feel uncomfortable for any reason then this may be a sign that what that the person is relaying to you through their communications contains a lie. If you carry on telling the truth and the person retreats, then they may have been a liar trying to “get” something else from you than what they were asking you for. And the reason for not disclosing the whole truth could be absolutely any reason, from the tiniest matter which may seem insignificant to you but is huge to them, or a massive lie.

I would sincerely like to thank the client for the intense experience and George Bernard Shaw for your quote without which I would not have had such an insight into the many experiences I have had in life which become so clear now.

Please note that this Post is written on the foundation fact that you have been asked for something. Telling and saying the truth without a request is another topic in itself.

I would appreciate it if you can discuss your own related experiences with me by posting a comment below.

In the meantime, be True!

Version 5 updated 30th Aug 2008